Discovering Me

And now I know...

2012-02-05T18:49:00.001-08:00

you might call it a pipe dream. you might call it a childhood fantasy. you might call it ridiculous. you might even think me foolish for it. but i call it my dream...

I spent the weekend doing what I love to do. I rode in the backseat of a pick up truck, six hours to the other side of the state of Mississippi. I unloaded equipment, did a sound check and ate food provided by the venue. I took the stage in front of a total of about 200 people and made music. For over an hour I was in a state of pure bliss. Not because anyone was looking at me...not because I thought I was in the spotlight...but because I was fulfilled. I left and slept in a hotel (speaking of which, the sheets on a hotel bed always come off of the mattress....yet mine never come off when I'm at home...let's address this issue....i digress) and woke up earlier than I would have liked to, ate a quick breakfast and stepped on stage again in front of another 350 people, and again I found myself fulfilled.

and now I know...this is what I was made to do. this road....this life...is what I want to do. Further, it is what I need to do.

so call it a pipe dream. call it a childhood fantasy. scoff at it because it is not a "real" job. but it is my job, it is my dream.

in this dream, I am fulfilled

In the beginning...

2012-02-03T21:42:00.001-08:00

In the beginning we made resolutions and then by March we've decided that it's all just too hard to continue down the path of self discipline.

well I'm making this resolution/commitment/whatever you want to call it in February. therefore, I plan to make this bad boy stick until at least late April or early May.

Resolution: I'm going to write more. I have decided that I have some things I want to talk about and I've decided that you all get to read them. and with special thanks to Steve Jobs (God rest his soul) and the amazing wonders of technology, I can now blog more often from the comfort of wherever I am when I have my iPhone with me.

So sit back and relax and let's share some dialogue! whaddaya say?

Still

2011-05-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

about five feet from the shore was a mini sand bar - it probably happens a lot but i had never seen anything like it. i stepped out onto that sand bar and the water kept rushing over my feet. the only thing i could hear now was the roar of the water as it rushed to the shore and i'm left standing there trying to wrap my head around everything happening around me. the sky is filled with yellow, orange, red, and about 4 different shades of blue. i couldn't stop staring at the sunset...i had never in my life seen anything so beautiful - and i'm not one to stop and "smell the roses", but this day was different. i just wanted to be...

all of my life, for as long as i can remember, i have been trying to forge a path for my life. when one thing doesn't work out, i set out into the unknown just blazing a trail....for myself. the problem with that is, i hate the unknown - i hate not having it all figured out....and so because of my hatred for all things uncertain, i scramble...i scramble to make things right. i scramble to get things into motion. i scramble to make sure that things are happening. i want the answers, and i want them now!!

but it hit me this week. the realization hit me that it is not my job to make the plans for my life. it is my job to just be...

amidst all of my surroundings standing on that small sand bar - i was lost...in awe. i kept thinking about how very small i am in comparison to this great big God that put all of that beauty into place. and for that moment, that felt like an eternity, nothing else was of any concern to me. i wasn't concerned with my plans, agenda, calendar, meetings, workload.....i just wanted to be...

-jc

"i need you, i need you now to come and rescue me. and shelter me from this storm somehow, and teach me how to be.....still" - jc

All Access: Backstage Pass

2011-03-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

allow me to be vulnerable with you for a bit. i want to share with you something that i struggle with a lot....probably moreso now than ever....or maybe i have just begun to recognize the struggle...in any case, here it is: i seriously struggle to serve God when it's not glamorous....

the lights come up, the sound explodes and for the next 2 hours i can mask my insecurities. i can be whoever i want to be. i can paint a picture of the me that i want you to see....you don't have to know me and i don't have to know you other than to connect with you briefly enough to show you that i noticed you were there. i noticed you were there and i made sure that if you knew nothing else about me, you knew, if only for those two hours, that i follow Christ.

...and then....after the last note is played and long after the crowd is gone....i take off my mask. i lay down the me that you met and i crumble. a million questions arise in my heart and i look to myself for answers to these questions that i can't even begin to understand...i question my purpose, my plans, my goals....and i blame God for not immediately answering me....

i tell myself it's ok to wrestle with God (and i believe it is) - but my wrestling turns into pouting and pointing the finger at God and saying..."YOU told me YOU would carry me, you told me if i called, you would answer!...etc." - the truth of the matter is....i never asked Him.....anything.

this struggle has consumed me lately...and i will take a step further into deeper authenticity and tell you exactly why....

i don't feel it - i don't feel Him near...and that is a frightening thing. i know that He is here...even in the smallest and mundane moments of my life. my struggle is having faith and believing it. today my heart was broken with a passage from isaiah because i know that it is me...the verse essentially says that you (being me) will try to do this on your own until eventually you will end up all alone....that is how i feel in the simple moments of my life...alone

when you strip away the lights, the stage, the people, and the music and you get behind the masks that i wear, this is me.....afraid and alone....searching for the best way to sift through all of the mess that this world has to offer and to put my eyes solely on the author of my faith....and not just when the world is watching....but when mine is the only voice within 100 miles.

i cannot be...

2011-01-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

i am who i am....that's all i can be..

i am who i am because my experiences have shaped me into....well....me. given the opportunity i would have skated through life without a scratch..i would have lived at peace with everyone around me...i would have made sure that i did the "right" thing in every situation that i encountered. but i didn't. i didn't always make the right choices...i didn't always walk the way i was supposed to walk or say the things that i was "supposed" to say. and because of the road that i have traveled, i have picked up a few scars and a few bruises that just won't go away...scars and bruises that have made me who i am...

i am who i am because my experiences taught me lessons that i had to learn the hard way in most cases. for me, it takes a burning bush...i very seldom get the hint the first time. and so because of this i am battling with a few others for the top spot in the school of hard knocks...but i have learned this one lesson very well....i am who i am

i cannot be who you want me to be....whoever 'you' are. i can only be me and you should only be you. don't conform to others' picture of you....do not allow others to write the story that you were given the pen to write....be who you are.

you're killing me 'christians'

2011-01-06T18:16:00.001-08:00

unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, toxic, condemning, condescending

i've had quite a few conversations over the last several months about the church and the people that the church is made of....you may know that term as 'christians'....the terms at the top of this post "unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, etc." are all words that people used to describe 'christians' in our conversations. the people in my convos ranged from long time followers of Christ to... new followers of Christ to.... people that were once followers of Christ and were burned by the church to.... finally, people that do not follow Christ and have no desire to....

what are 'we' (and by we i mean 'christians') doing?

being a 'christian' is not being a member of a club...you don't pay dues so that you get to come to fancy meetings in your fancy halls and sit back and talk about how cool you are because you are in the club....to be a 'christian' is to follow Christ.....follow - that is an ACTION! following Christ isn't about being good or safe or protected in your walls....it's about being! getting out of your comfort zone and getting your hands and feet dirty while caring for others and meeting people's holistic needs...

we have turned the word 'christians' into something ugly...and that's completely our fault...take a look at that list of words that was used to describe 'christians' again:

...unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, toxic, condemning, condescending,....what happened to love? what happened to giving of yourself and your resources and all that you are to those in need? if you think about it, everything you are and everything you have was given to you by God....so technically it's his anyway right? who are you to hold onto something that was given so freely to you?

when someone is hungry....feed them. when someone is thirsty.....give them something to drink. when someone is in need....MEET. THE. NEED. if you can't meet the full need, do something in the direction of meeting that need. just love!!!

we've got to change the people's perception of 'christians' and Christ....let's not talk about "doing good" and "being the church" - let's actually DO IT.... there are so many organizations that are providing ways for you to reach others. if you don't want to give through an organization then look into your community because there are needs every. single. day. that aren't being met and those people are hurting. show God to those people by loving them. and don't expect anything in return....just love them.....because they were created in the same image that you and I were...God's...

let that sink in a minute...

...so there's this God....

2010-08-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

there's this God i serve, and i want to tell you about Him. but first let me tell you about myself.

i am a sinner. i am a sheep that 10 times out of 10 will go astray when living life on my own. i make mistakes every day of my life. i slip and i fall. i am not perfect and realize i have imperfections and blemishes that show themselves in all areas of life. i am weak and i am broken. but i have hope and i have joy in knowing....

there's this God i serve, and i want to tell you about him. he's amazing. he took darkness and spoke light into it. with his very hands he formed the earth and everything on it. he painted sunsets on the sky and the moon's reflection on the sea. he breathed his breath and brought life into man. he is in love with his creation. he looked on his creation with so much love and longing for relationship with them that he sent his only son to take the world's sins upon his shoulders. his son died the most humiliating and excruciating death in history. and for what reason? so that you and i might have eternal life.

that's what is so amazing about my God. when i accepted the call to follow my God he accepted me. he accepted me and all of my faults. he loves me. he knows my weaknesses and my imperfections and in those he shows himself strong and perfect. he knows my tendency to be a lost sheep and so he made it known to me that he is my shepherd. and he watches over me with a watchful eye...always giving his best for me. he sees my failures and when i fall he picks me up, brushes me off, and encourages me to get back in this race. he knows that i am a sinner and that is why he sent his son to die for me.....so i didn't have to.

I Prayed For You

2010-08-16T15:21:00.001-07:00

"you are nothing that you wanted to be. your dreams and your visions left you years ago and left you buried underneath the weight of your todays. you scream into the night and no one hears you. in every direction you scream and yet your voice is nothing more than a whisper. the dark of night covers your heart and soon you become cold and hardened. you scoff at compassion and reject love. bottles surround you on the floor as you lay drunk with bitterness and anger. you take solace in knowing that you are alone now. you've made the world your friend and she welcomes you with open arms. everything you've ever wanted can be yours: fame, success, riches. she gives these gifts to you freely and freely you take them. the world is yours. something was different for you today though. you heard the faintest whisper of a familiar voice and you shut it out....it couldn't be. and again you hear that voice whispering in the distance. you close your eyes to shut out the noise. you are happy, remember. the world is yours. days go on and the whisper grows louder. you occupy your mind with other thoughts. your heart belongs to the world, and the world's to you. weeks and months pass you by and yet despite your attempts to run, the whisper is gaining momentum. a year has gone by now....and something is wrong...the world is slipping through your grasps - you feel you've lost the only love you've ever known....and that whisper? it's piercing through the night now and won't let you sleep...it's constantly with you. you attempt to shut it out but now it just won't leave. you sit up in the dead of night. unable to sleep you crumble beneath the burdens that have attached themselves to you day after day. and through your tears and through your pain you bring your brokenness and your shame and you lay it down. you trade it in for joy and a peace that you simply cannot understand. and the instant you uttered His name you knew you weren't alone. He swept you up in His arms and said 'welcome home'. He tells you the story of how daily He called your name. He called out to you daily and at first He knew it must have only sounded like a whisper to you. yet He called you. day by day, that call grew louder until finally you heard His voice. and i.......i prayed for you. because i saw your pain, i prayed for your heart. because i saw your anger, i prayed for joy to come to you. because i saw your loneliness, i prayed for a friend like no other. because i love you, i prayed for you."

Be the Church

2010-08-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

maybe this blog post is just for me - maybe it's a reminder that God dropped on my heart and wanted me to think on it for a while...who knows....but i do know this - it's too important of a message not to be shared with others. it's too relevant a topic to be forgotten and unfortunately....it has become a forgotten truth in our culture. and here it is:

we are supposed to be the church. not "have" church or "go to" church but BE the church. we should be living life with one another, encouraging each other, loving each other, and lifting each other up in thoughts and prayers. we aren't supposed to be selfish with our time and resources. our society has made such a big deal about taking care of yourself and letting the others figure it out for themselves. we've become so consumed with looking out for ourselves first and foremost. check this out....

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself: do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others" - Philippians 2:3-4

i think that is what being the church is all about. i ask God daily to let me operate with humility of mind so that i can look at others as more important than myself. that doesn't mean i neglect myself and my personal relationship with God, but it does mean that i'm not to be selfish. i think the body of Christ, when operating at its full capacity, is the picture of humility. each active participant in the church is looking out for others' interest. i think when we do that, we build authentic community with one another and that does nothing but strengthen all of us. that's a beautiful thought that i feel like we have lost touch with.

so i challenge you - and i'm challenging myself with this as well....ask for that humility of mind and then do something for someone. some random act of kindness...take someone to dinner, or coffee or mow your neighbors grass or whatever comes to mind for you - and don't ask or expect anything in return. just love someone and allow God to do whatever it is that He wants to do in your heart...be open to what he's doing. just love.

Give it up and Let it Go!

2010-08-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

"The Lord sustains all who fall and raises up all who are bowed down" - Psalm 145:14

let that really sink in for a minute....

this is such a simple verse yet jam packed with all sorts of encouragement and amazing characteristics about God. "The Lord sustains ALL who fall" - all of us who are drowning in life and swallowed up by the details of day to day "stupid stuff" that just doesn't matter....I think most everyone would fit into category! God loves us and sustains us ALL! No matter our circumstances He "raises up ALL who are bowed down"!

i've had an amazing opportunity to sit down and chat with so many people who are in so many different places in life. these discussion have opened my eyes to a world of hurting people. some of these people know and follow Jesus, while others i talk to have either been burned by relationships in the church or have simply never been a part of a community of Christ followers. however, the common thread in all of my conversations is that these people are hurting. some hurt on different levels in our eyes but i can't help but wonder what that hurt looks like to Jesus....what does He see? i've been praying that God would give me eyes and a heart to see and love people the way that He loves us. i caught myself (ashamedly) trying to categorize the levels of hurt that these people were experiencing and then God put this verse on my heart. i could be wrong about this but i do not think that God sees levels of hurt. i don't think that He looks at us and tries to prioritize who is hurting the most. He loves us all. He sustains us ALL and he raises up ALL who are bowed down. so no matter what the hurt looks like to us...it's a BIG DEAL to Him! We are His kids - when you hurt, He rushes to you ready to wrap His arms around you and hold you and SUSTAIN you!! All we have to do is call on Him.

what is weighing you down? what burden is so heavy on your heart/mind/soul that it is literally causing you to cave in? i definitely have those burdens on me now but i know that there is a God who sustains me and raises me up when i am burdened. He looks on me with a love and with a compassion that i simply cannot understand. another question to ask yourself is....do you know someone that is hurting? do you know someone that is so buried under life that they can't live it out the way that Jesus intended us to (fully)?

there is hope and peace and grace and love and passion readily available to us to free us from everything we find ourselves burdened by......we simply have to give it to Him - give it up and let it go!