Starting Over

you can hear something so many times that it becomes truth to you. it becomes a standard by which you live your life. it becomes doctrine.

i developed a doctrine of faith from those who taught me, those who i watched and mimicked, and those whose example i was “supposed” to follow. after years of hearing teachings, watching behaviors, and following examples set for me, i have realized (with the help of a few close friends) it is time to start over. 

i have to start over to realize a God that isn’t ashamed of me. i have to start over to realize a God that doesn’t want to damn me to hell at the first sign of sin in my life. i have to start over to realize a God that loves unconditionally and wants to know me in the same way that husbands know their wives. i have to start over to realize a Holy Spirit that exists in something besides the evidence of speaking in tongues (and no i’m not getting into that - that’s a whole other post). He desires a closeness and an intimacy with me beyond my wildest imagination. 

i understand that my past has shaped me into who i am today. however, i wonder about some of the things that were put into my head. i wonder about some teaching i received and the forcefulness with which it was taught. you see, there is beauty in approaching a relationship with God as though we are children. Jesus even goes so far as to say that the kingdom of God belongs to such as these (Mark 10:14). how heavy the responsibility of the shepherd of those children. children are vulnerable. they have no preconceived notions of what things are “supposed” to be like. they have no predetermined agenda. they simply take the information you give them and digest it at face value. they are easily molded. 

my childhood was shaped with what i believe to be good intentions from those in authoritative roles in my life. however, somewhere along the way, it became less about a relationship with God and more about the selfish nature of man. “what does this person have that we can use?” “what talents, gifts, or abilities can we siphon from this one?” “in order to serve in this area of the church, you need to be willing to complete the items on this checklist in a manner approved by this person.”

what i learned growing up is that denominations matter. we aren’t one body of Christ. what we are is a collection of fish tanks and, by God, our fish tank is the biggest, cleanest, and most decorative in the city. in fact, our fish tank is the only fish tank that Jesus loves. other things i have picked up are: in order to have a relationship with Jesus, you have to be in one of those tanks, you can’t be blessed if you aren’t within the friendly confines of the building, and above all else, we are going to take up the offering because well....it’s that important. 

can we possibly get more Pharisaical than that?

why do we spend our time competing with one another? why do we focus on white washing our tombs and ignoring the bones inside? let’s be honest and look at the houses within a 10 mile radius of our churches. do you even know the people living within 10 miles of your church? i’m guilty of it too, so no, i’m not throwing rocks at your glass houses (at least not without throwing them at my own). if our building is clean enough, and we put on a big enough production, people will flock to our fish tank and beg to become members of our club that we call a church. i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that simply isn’t going to happen. no one is going to decide to follow Christ because the choir moved them with a rendition of Oh Happy Day only rivaled by Whoopi and the other sisters. 

there is a fundamental problem. in my case, for my childhood and even until now, there was a slow evolution of a man made doctrine. things were said and done in plain sight (and some behind closed doors) that would make you scratch your head and wonder what kind of person would think or say those type things. you can hear something so many times that it becomes truth to you. it becomes a standard by which you live your life. it becomes doctrine.

but all is not lost. i am entering what i am calling a Personal Awakening in which i am realizing there is more to following Christ than being the whipping boy. my perspective of God must change. my outlook on life must change. i don’t need to be on the defensive at all times. i don’t need to be ashamed at all times. and i certainly don’t need man to give me his approval in order that i might feel significant among his “flock”.

i am learning about a different God now; a God that pursues me. i am learning that i am pursued by a God that is holy. He didn’t create holy and He didn’t decide one day to be holy....He just is holy. He just is. i am learning that God wants what is best for us. God wants good things for our lives. i am learning that bad things sometimes happen to good people but in the midst of heartache and pain, there is good growing and many times our eyes cannot see what that is. but the beauty of who we are in Christ is that we don’t have to understand. that isn’t our job. we can find rest in the fact that we simply have to follow. does that mean the road is easy? i can tell you first hand, emphatically, NO! it is not easy. but neither is suffocating because your feet are in too much pain to lift up on the spike driven through them to elevate your body to gather enough air to sustain life for just a second longer. 

i am starting over. i am becoming a different person. i am finding my identity in Christ. 

should you find yourself in the extraordinary position of being responsible for the caring of souls while they exist on earth, think very seriously of your responsibility. it is a heavy burden to bear and people follow you because they trust you. let not their trust be misplaced. study God’s word. study the life of Jesus and learn; because the moment that you cease to learn, you cease to lead. 

disclaimer: (it is important to understand that i am not laying blame at the feet of my parents - in fact, over the years, i have had several intense and fruitful discussions with them regarding my relationship with God). 

In the beginning...

In the beginning we made resolutions and then by March we've decided that it's all just too hard to continue down the path of self discipline.

well I'm making this resolution/commitment/whatever you want to call it in February. therefore, I plan to make this bad boy stick until at least late April or early May.

Resolution: I'm going to write more. I have decided that I have some things I want to talk about and I've decided that you all get to read them. and with special thanks to Steve Jobs (God rest his soul) and the amazing wonders of technology, I can now blog more often from the comfort of wherever I am when I have my iPhone with me.

So sit back and relax and let's share some dialogue! whaddaya say?

Still

about five feet from the shore was a mini sand bar - it probably happens a lot but i had never seen anything like it. i stepped out onto that sand bar and the water kept rushing over my feet. the only thing i could hear now was the roar of the water as it rushed to the shore and i'm left standing there trying to wrap my head around everything happening around me. the sky is filled with yellow, orange, red, and about 4 different shades of blue. i couldn't stop staring at the sunset...i had never in my life seen anything so beautiful - and i'm not one to stop and "smell the roses", but this day was different. i just wanted to be...

all of my life, for as long as i can remember, i have been trying to forge a path for my life. when one thing doesn't work out, i set out into the unknown just blazing a trail....for myself. the problem with that is, i hate the unknown - i hate not having it all figured out....and so because of my hatred for all things uncertain, i scramble...i scramble to make things right. i scramble to get things into motion. i scramble to make sure that things are happening. i want the answers, and i want them now!!

but it hit me this week. the realization hit me that it is not my job to make the plans for my life. it is my job to just be...

amidst all of my surroundings standing on that small sand bar - i was lost...in awe. i kept thinking about how very small i am in comparison to this great big God that put all of that beauty into place. and for that moment, that felt like an eternity, nothing else was of any concern to me. i wasn't concerned with my plans, agenda, calendar, meetings, workload.....i just wanted to be...

-jc

"i need you, i need you now to come and rescue me. and shelter me from this storm somehow, and teach me how to be.....still" - jc

All Access: Backstage Pass

allow me to be vulnerable with you for a bit. i want to share with you something that i struggle with a lot....probably moreso now than ever....or maybe i have just begun to recognize the struggle...in any case, here it is: i seriously struggle to serve God when it's not glamorous....

the lights come up, the sound explodes and for the next 2 hours i can mask my insecurities. i can be whoever i want to be. i can paint a picture of the me that i want you to see....you don't have to know me and i don't have to know you other than to connect with you briefly enough to show you that i noticed you were there. i noticed you were there and i made sure that if you knew nothing else about me, you knew, if only for those two hours, that i follow Christ.

...and then....after the last note is played and long after the crowd is gone....i take off my mask. i lay down the me that you met and i crumble. a million questions arise in my heart and i look to myself for answers to these questions that i can't even begin to understand...i question my purpose, my plans, my goals....and i blame God for not immediately answering me....

i tell myself it's ok to wrestle with God (and i believe it is) - but my wrestling turns into pouting and pointing the finger at God and saying..."YOU told me YOU would carry me, you told me if i called, you would answer!...etc." - the truth of the matter is....i never asked Him.....anything.

this struggle has consumed me lately...and i will take a step further into deeper authenticity and tell you exactly why....

i don't feel it - i don't feel Him near...and that is a frightening thing. i know that He is here...even in the smallest and mundane moments of my life. my struggle is having faith and believing it. today my heart was broken with a passage from isaiah because i know that it is me...the verse essentially says that you (being me) will try to do this on your own until eventually you will end up all alone....that is how i feel in the simple moments of my life...alone

when you strip away the lights, the stage, the people, and the music and you get behind the masks that i wear, this is me.....afraid and alone....searching for the best way to sift through all of the mess that this world has to offer and to put my eyes solely on the author of my faith....and not just when the world is watching....but when mine is the only voice within 100 miles.

i cannot be...

i am who i am....that's all i can be..

i am who i am because my experiences have shaped me into....well....me. given the opportunity i would have skated through life without a scratch..i would have lived at peace with everyone around me...i would have made sure that i did the "right" thing in every situation that i encountered. but i didn't. i didn't always make the right choices...i didn't always walk the way i was supposed to walk or say the things that i was "supposed" to say. and because of the road that i have traveled, i have picked up a few scars and a few bruises that just won't go away...scars and bruises that have made me who i am...

i am who i am because my experiences taught me lessons that i had to learn the hard way in most cases. for me, it takes a burning bush...i very seldom get the hint the first time. and so because of this i am battling with a few others for the top spot in the school of hard knocks...but i have learned this one lesson very well....i am who i am

i cannot be who you want me to be....whoever 'you' are. i can only be me and you should only be you. don't conform to others' picture of you....do not allow others to write the story that you were given the pen to write....be who you are.

you're killing me 'christians'

unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, toxic, condemning, condescending

i've had quite a few conversations over the last several months about the church and the people that the church is made of....you may know that term as 'christians'....the terms at the top of this post "unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, etc." are all words that people used to describe 'christians' in our conversations. the people in my convos ranged from long time followers of Christ to... new followers of Christ to.... people that were once followers of Christ and were burned by the church to.... finally, people that do not follow Christ and have no desire to....

what are 'we' (and by we i mean 'christians') doing?

being a 'christian' is not being a member of a club...you don't pay dues so that you get to come to fancy meetings in your fancy halls and sit back and talk about how cool you are because you are in the club....to be a 'christian' is to follow Christ.....follow - that is an ACTION! following Christ isn't about being good or safe or protected in your walls....it's about being! getting out of your comfort zone and getting your hands and feet dirty while caring for others and meeting people's holistic needs...

we have turned the word 'christians' into something ugly...and that's completely our fault...take a look at that list of words that was used to describe 'christians' again:

...unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, toxic, condemning, condescending,....what happened to love? what happened to giving of yourself and your resources and all that you are to those in need? if you think about it, everything you are and everything you have was given to you by God....so technically it's his anyway right? who are you to hold onto something that was given so freely to you?

when someone is hungry....feed them. when someone is thirsty.....give them something to drink. when someone is in need....MEET. THE. NEED. if you can't meet the full need, do something in the direction of meeting that need. just love!!!

we've got to change the people's perception of 'christians' and Christ....let's not talk about "doing good" and "being the church" - let's actually DO IT.... there are so many organizations that are providing ways for you to reach others. if you don't want to give through an organization then look into your community because there are needs every. single. day. that aren't being met and those people are hurting. show God to those people by loving them. and don't expect anything in return....just love them.....because they were created in the same image that you and I were...God's...

let that sink in a minute...

Be the Church

maybe this blog post is just for me - maybe it's a reminder that God dropped on my heart and wanted me to think on it for a while...who knows....but i do know this - it's too important of a message not to be shared with others. it's too relevant a topic to be forgotten and unfortunately....it has become a forgotten truth in our culture. and here it is:

we are supposed to be the church. not "have" church or "go to" church but BE the church. we should be living life with one another, encouraging each other, loving each other, and lifting each other up in thoughts and prayers. we aren't supposed to be selfish with our time and resources. our society has made such a big deal about taking care of yourself and letting the others figure it out for themselves. we've become so consumed with looking out for ourselves first and foremost. check this out....

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself: do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others" - Philippians 2:3-4

i think that is what being the church is all about. i ask God daily to let me operate with humility of mind so that i can look at others as more important than myself. that doesn't mean i neglect myself and my personal relationship with God, but it does mean that i'm not to be selfish. i think the body of Christ, when operating at its full capacity, is the picture of humility. each active participant in the church is looking out for others' interest. i think when we do that, we build authentic community with one another and that does nothing but strengthen all of us. that's a beautiful thought that i feel like we have lost touch with.

so i challenge you - and i'm challenging myself with this as well....ask for that humility of mind and then do something for someone. some random act of kindness...take someone to dinner, or coffee or mow your neighbors grass or whatever comes to mind for you - and don't ask or expect anything in return. just love someone and allow God to do whatever it is that He wants to do in your heart...be open to what he's doing. just love.