allow me to be vulnerable with you for a bit. i want to share with you something that i struggle with a lot....probably moreso now than ever....or maybe i have just begun to recognize the struggle...in any case, here it is: i seriously struggle to serve God when it's not glamorous....the lights come up, the sound explodes and for the next 2 hours i can mask my insecurities. i can be whoever i want to be. i can paint a picture of the me that i want you to see....you don't have to know me and i don't have to know you other than to connect with you briefly enough to show you that i noticed you were there. i noticed you were there and i made sure that if you knew nothing else about me, you knew, if only for those two hours, that i follow Christ.
...and then....after the last note is played and long after the crowd is gone....i take off my mask. i lay down the me that you met and i crumble. a million questions arise in my heart and i look to myself for answers to these questions that i can't even begin to understand...i question my purpose, my plans, my goals....and i blame God for not immediately answering me....
i tell myself it's ok to wrestle with God (and i believe it is) - but my wrestling turns into pouting and pointing the finger at God and saying..."YOU told me YOU would carry me, you told me if i called, you would answer!...etc." - the truth of the matter is....i never asked Him.....anything.
this struggle has consumed me lately...and i will take a step further into deeper authenticity and tell you exactly why....
i don't feel it - i don't feel Him near...and that is a frightening thing. i know that He is here...even in the smallest and mundane moments of my life. my struggle is having faith and believing it. today my heart was broken with a passage from isaiah because i know that it is me...the verse essentially says that you (being me) will try to do this on your own until eventually you will end up all alone....that is how i feel in the simple moments of my life...alone
when you strip away the lights, the stage, the people, and the music and you get behind the masks that i wear, this is me.....afraid and alone....searching for the best way to sift through all of the mess that this world has to offer and to put my eyes solely on the author of my faith....and not just when the world is watching....but when mine is the only voice within 100 miles.
If we are all honest we struggle with this. Whether we're on a stage or not. We don't always feel Him near. Maybe this is where we have to trust that He is. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him. It's hard to tune out this world and keep our focus on Him.
ReplyDeleteDude, I've been in that place for a while (not feeling Him but knowing the TRUTH - that He is always near). The song "faithful" by Brooke Fraser has been a healing balm to my soul. Often this is what our Christian life is all about - knowing TRUTH even when we don't see it, feel it, etc.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other stuff it's the "curse" that comes when you are made to be a performer. I understand - I come alive when I get on-stage with a mic in my hand (speaking or singing). For years I let the lies of the enemy shred me - telling me I only loved being up there b/c I was selfish, arrogant, attention hungry, etc. But the TRUTH is, God made us as we are. Not everyone loves to perform. If that is your passion - what makes you come alive - then that is God-given! We mustn't shrink back because of the lies of the enemy - we must embrace our identity in Him!
Now the tricky part comes in drawing the line between "performing" and "leading worship" - because those are not the same thing. We always have to remember that when we are worship leading it's all about Him, and our hearts must be focused on worshiping and leading others into his presence. But there is nothing wrong with enjoying it as we do it! :)
From this introspective/vulnerable/honest post it sounds like your heart is in the right place.
love love love your comment ericka! i'm gonna have to check out 'faithful' by BF. i don't think my prob has ever been seeing my worship leading as a performance....and i only say that because of lessons that God has already taught me. I think my issue was the same lies that you were fed...selfish, arrogant, attention hungry, etc. i love what you said about that though..."embrace our identity in Him" - that's the whole point of this post i think...behind it all, i have to find my identity in Him.
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