Still

about five feet from the shore was a mini sand bar - it probably happens a lot but i had never seen anything like it. i stepped out onto that sand bar and the water kept rushing over my feet. the only thing i could hear now was the roar of the water as it rushed to the shore and i'm left standing there trying to wrap my head around everything happening around me. the sky is filled with yellow, orange, red, and about 4 different shades of blue. i couldn't stop staring at the sunset...i had never in my life seen anything so beautiful - and i'm not one to stop and "smell the roses", but this day was different. i just wanted to be...

all of my life, for as long as i can remember, i have been trying to forge a path for my life. when one thing doesn't work out, i set out into the unknown just blazing a trail....for myself. the problem with that is, i hate the unknown - i hate not having it all figured out....and so because of my hatred for all things uncertain, i scramble...i scramble to make things right. i scramble to get things into motion. i scramble to make sure that things are happening. i want the answers, and i want them now!!

but it hit me this week. the realization hit me that it is not my job to make the plans for my life. it is my job to just be...

amidst all of my surroundings standing on that small sand bar - i was lost...in awe. i kept thinking about how very small i am in comparison to this great big God that put all of that beauty into place. and for that moment, that felt like an eternity, nothing else was of any concern to me. i wasn't concerned with my plans, agenda, calendar, meetings, workload.....i just wanted to be...

-jc

"i need you, i need you now to come and rescue me. and shelter me from this storm somehow, and teach me how to be.....still" - jc

All Access: Backstage Pass

allow me to be vulnerable with you for a bit. i want to share with you something that i struggle with a lot....probably moreso now than ever....or maybe i have just begun to recognize the struggle...in any case, here it is: i seriously struggle to serve God when it's not glamorous....

the lights come up, the sound explodes and for the next 2 hours i can mask my insecurities. i can be whoever i want to be. i can paint a picture of the me that i want you to see....you don't have to know me and i don't have to know you other than to connect with you briefly enough to show you that i noticed you were there. i noticed you were there and i made sure that if you knew nothing else about me, you knew, if only for those two hours, that i follow Christ.

...and then....after the last note is played and long after the crowd is gone....i take off my mask. i lay down the me that you met and i crumble. a million questions arise in my heart and i look to myself for answers to these questions that i can't even begin to understand...i question my purpose, my plans, my goals....and i blame God for not immediately answering me....

i tell myself it's ok to wrestle with God (and i believe it is) - but my wrestling turns into pouting and pointing the finger at God and saying..."YOU told me YOU would carry me, you told me if i called, you would answer!...etc." - the truth of the matter is....i never asked Him.....anything.

this struggle has consumed me lately...and i will take a step further into deeper authenticity and tell you exactly why....

i don't feel it - i don't feel Him near...and that is a frightening thing. i know that He is here...even in the smallest and mundane moments of my life. my struggle is having faith and believing it. today my heart was broken with a passage from isaiah because i know that it is me...the verse essentially says that you (being me) will try to do this on your own until eventually you will end up all alone....that is how i feel in the simple moments of my life...alone

when you strip away the lights, the stage, the people, and the music and you get behind the masks that i wear, this is me.....afraid and alone....searching for the best way to sift through all of the mess that this world has to offer and to put my eyes solely on the author of my faith....and not just when the world is watching....but when mine is the only voice within 100 miles.

i cannot be...

i am who i am....that's all i can be..

i am who i am because my experiences have shaped me into....well....me. given the opportunity i would have skated through life without a scratch..i would have lived at peace with everyone around me...i would have made sure that i did the "right" thing in every situation that i encountered. but i didn't. i didn't always make the right choices...i didn't always walk the way i was supposed to walk or say the things that i was "supposed" to say. and because of the road that i have traveled, i have picked up a few scars and a few bruises that just won't go away...scars and bruises that have made me who i am...

i am who i am because my experiences taught me lessons that i had to learn the hard way in most cases. for me, it takes a burning bush...i very seldom get the hint the first time. and so because of this i am battling with a few others for the top spot in the school of hard knocks...but i have learned this one lesson very well....i am who i am

i cannot be who you want me to be....whoever 'you' are. i can only be me and you should only be you. don't conform to others' picture of you....do not allow others to write the story that you were given the pen to write....be who you are.

you're killing me 'christians'

unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, toxic, condemning, condescending

i've had quite a few conversations over the last several months about the church and the people that the church is made of....you may know that term as 'christians'....the terms at the top of this post "unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, etc." are all words that people used to describe 'christians' in our conversations. the people in my convos ranged from long time followers of Christ to... new followers of Christ to.... people that were once followers of Christ and were burned by the church to.... finally, people that do not follow Christ and have no desire to....

what are 'we' (and by we i mean 'christians') doing?

being a 'christian' is not being a member of a club...you don't pay dues so that you get to come to fancy meetings in your fancy halls and sit back and talk about how cool you are because you are in the club....to be a 'christian' is to follow Christ.....follow - that is an ACTION! following Christ isn't about being good or safe or protected in your walls....it's about being! getting out of your comfort zone and getting your hands and feet dirty while caring for others and meeting people's holistic needs...

we have turned the word 'christians' into something ugly...and that's completely our fault...take a look at that list of words that was used to describe 'christians' again:

...unforgiving, selfish, exclusive, toxic, condemning, condescending,....what happened to love? what happened to giving of yourself and your resources and all that you are to those in need? if you think about it, everything you are and everything you have was given to you by God....so technically it's his anyway right? who are you to hold onto something that was given so freely to you?

when someone is hungry....feed them. when someone is thirsty.....give them something to drink. when someone is in need....MEET. THE. NEED. if you can't meet the full need, do something in the direction of meeting that need. just love!!!

we've got to change the people's perception of 'christians' and Christ....let's not talk about "doing good" and "being the church" - let's actually DO IT.... there are so many organizations that are providing ways for you to reach others. if you don't want to give through an organization then look into your community because there are needs every. single. day. that aren't being met and those people are hurting. show God to those people by loving them. and don't expect anything in return....just love them.....because they were created in the same image that you and I were...God's...

let that sink in a minute...